Anyone still alive out there?

Stolen from everyone and their dogs:



Two ways to play:

Request kisses from Allison.
If you'd like a kiss from Allison just comment here and let her know. She'll reply to your comment with a drabble of sorts that involves the kiss, or put up a thread to get that kiss on it's way. Or if you'd like a bit more control over the situation just start your own post and mark the entry locked to Allison, and leave me a comment here letting me know where the thread is and the Allison'll be there!

Offer kisses to Others.
If you're feeling particularly bold or adventurous, post the picture in your journal, note that it's open to all, and let people ask for kisses from you. Give them at least a sentence or two in response, though--none of this "*kiss*" nonsense, that's no fun.

Name of Muse: Allison Chapman-Morris
Fandom/Type of Muse: ER/Original Character
Link to muse profile page: http://allison_chapman.livejournal.com/profile
Mun name, nickname or handle: Allison
Best way to get a message to the mun: E-mail, info in the profile
Do you use AIM or any other IM? AIM - username Freyalise
One hundred words about the muse that everyone should know:

Allison is a medical technologist in the oncology department at Cook County General Hospital in Chicago, Illinois. She graduated from UIC at age twenty with a double degree in medical technology and history and has been working at County ever since. Her best friend, Josephine Hollinsworth, is a cello player with the Chicago Symphony. She dotes on her goldfish, loves to bike, suffers her coworkers Mark and Brian (the Idiot Twins) in the lab, and is considered mentally disturbed by County’s chief of surgery. Her husband, Archie, works as an attending in the emergency room. They have a rather quirky relationship.

Prompt only, or available to roleplay? Prompt and roleplay
Posting tag: (when given) ER: Allison Chapman-Morris
Link to memories or tag page showing RotM posts: None yet cause I am a LAZY SLOTH

PSA here to let interested parties know that I'll be going out of town for a few days. Archie's father passed away and we're going to the funeral.

[locked from Morris]
It's... weird. I know he really disliked and resented his father, but he's taken the news very hard. It doesn't help that the man had been in the hospital for a week and never bothered to call. It's almost like the final insult.

Archie didn't want to go to the funeral, but I convinced him that he ought to. Even if the man was an asshole of epic proportions, he was still his father. I know "closure" is such a trite word, but I hope that maybe Archie can find some.

Did anyone else from County sign up for that speed dating thing at Ike's? If so, I want to apologize on behalf of my coworkers, the idiot twins. I'm sure they had a great time harassing all the unfortunate ladies there.

I do NOT appreciate a certain drunk surgeon playing with my memories and making me wonder if I've made a mistake in my life. I don't care if he didn't realize what he was doing.

You'll die from a Heart Attack during Sex.

Your a lover not a fighter but sadly, in the act of making love your heart will stop. But what a way to go.

'How will you die?' at QuizGalaxy.com

...Nice...I think...

Archie's apparently lost some bet with one of his medical students--Hope--to be precise--so he's offering to buy her dinner. He asked me (after the fact, of course) if I had a problem with it, and I told him no. I honestly don't. I guess I'd be some kind of overly possessive clinging harpy if I did. Besides, if I can't trust my husband to go out to dinner with a friend and not get up to anything, then what can I trust him with? Archie doesn't mind me hanging out with any of my male friends. (Well, okay, he minds Mark, but those two have hated each other from day one and I don't think that will ever change.)

Hope herself invited me to come to one of the study groups sometime, which I have to admit I've considered every now and then. I know they've been good for Archie and Hope seems very sincere if a little overeager. Actually, I have to admit it's just incredibly nice for him to have a colleague who doesn't trash talk him, and I know he loves it too. Even if I did have the inclination to be a harpy, I don't think I'd have the heart to try to deprive him of that.

Oh, and that new surgical student is a little elitist bitch. Just saying.

I have some pictures of Archie dressed up as Santa that I plan on posting once he stops breathing down my neck about not doing it. I have to be ninja-like about this; even though he did it for his daughter Melia, he doesn't seem to want to share the cheer with the internets. Which is a shame, I think. :)

There is something that I've been putting off writing about for a while because I'm still not entirely sure what to think or make of it. Just before the Jewish New Year Dr. Dubenko called and invited Archie and myself to dinner because there were some things he wanted to say to us. Turns out part of the New Year is making atonement for things you've done wrong so you can come clean before God, or something like that--I don't think I've got it quite right. But that was what he wanted to do with us: apologize for some of the things he's said and done to both of us over the past year.

To say I was gobsmacked would be an understatement. I honestly thought anything of that sort, coming from him, would only happen when the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse made themselves known. And I was torn over whether to actually accept his apology. On the one hand, I'd only wanted it for ages. On the other, I felt like he'd hurt me too much for mere words to make everything right. I finally decided that if he still thought as ill of me as he had, I didn't want his apology. So I told him that, and a lot of awkwardness ensued for a while because I misinterpreted his answer.

He and Archie were able to talk peaceably enough for some time while I stewed, but inevitably they ended up insulting each other, and Archie went outside the diner we were at to sulk. Some of the awkwardness lifted then, and Dr. Dubenko and I ended up having what I thought was a nice conversation, given the history that's passed between us. We even had a few laughs, and I actually forgot Archie was still outside (he was not happy about that). The two of us, at least, left the diner on what could be called okay terms.

Dr. Dubenko still believes we'll never be friends again, and I'm okay with that, though I have to admit that a tiny part of me hopes we could be someday. I kinda miss having him as someone I looked up to. But at the very least, he doesn't actively hate me anymore, and I can't express in words how happy and relieved I am to be able to say with confidence that the door on that chapter of my life can now be closed.

[Locked from family and friends]

This... isn't really something I lie about, because I've never talked about it. I guess it's more of a lie by what I don't say, or how I present myself to others, or what I tell myself in the moments that I feel guilty for what I've done. Those moments are relatively rare, because by and large I'm happy with my life, but they come more often than I'd like.

I love my husband. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't--I take that kind of thing very seriously, I always have. He can be very kind and sweet to me in his own (mostly clumsy) way, and like I said, for the most part he makes me happy. He has his moments of idiocy and we argue, like all couples do. I don't regret the fact that I chose him. But the truth, when I let myself think about it, is that this isn't the kind of marriage or love that I imagined I'd be in.

When I was younger (which I understand is relatively speaking, since I'm only twenty-four), I used to imagine that when I fell in love with the man I was destined to marry, it would be a passionate and all-consuming kind of love--the kind that you supposedly find when you meet your One True Soulmate. Hence the "destined" and "soulmate" part. When I found myself feeling that way about someone, that was how I would know he was the one for me.

Well, that's about the exact opposite of how things are with Archie. I started out hating him, then moved to tentatively liking him at times, and finally settled into an affectionate, friendly kind of love. No burning passions, no stars exploding in the heavens, just a deep affection. And this is for the man I married. I have to wonder if my earlier position on the matter was just the product of childish fantasy, or if in fact... I settled. I took the easy way out instead of waiting for that One True Soulmate.

I think that's what I'm trying to admit to myself here... that I don't think my husband, who I pledged to spend my life with and to love and cherish til death do us part, is my soulmate. That I settled for him.

I hate to think that and I certainly would never admit it to him or anyone else. I'm happy, I'm happy with him, I'm happy with my life. It would be a disservice and an insult to say I settled for it, that this life of mine that I willingly chose is a sloppy second. But deep in my heart of hearts, I'm afraid it's true. I settled for a comfortable, affectionate, friendly kind of love instead of holding out for that once-in-a-lifetime love that might never have come anyway.

It is true, though, that I don't think Archie is my soulmate. He couldn't be. We're more like complete opposites that somehow manage to keep from killing each other. He is completely not my ideal when it comes to the perfect man for me. Still, we love each other, and we make each other happy, and wouldn't I be a fool for letting that pass me by? Or am I a bigger fool for choosing it?

I know Archie would be hurt more than anything if he knew, or thought, that I had picked him as second best. On the rare occasions that I let myself think about this, I tell myself it's not true, that I wouldn't do such a thing. But at the same time... he was never that perfect someone waiting for me. He didn't light my heart on fire the way I thought my future husband would. He didn't sweep me off my feet the way your soulmate is supposed to, and even if he tried he would probably trip and drop me anyway.

I settled. I did it, I settled for Archie. And that knowledge hurts more than losing the person who could have been my soulmate ever did.

Last Thursday has to be a forerunner amongst the days I've asked myself why the hell I married my husband.

It was getting towards the end of my shift when I got a personal call from the ER; it was Pratt, saying Archie had come in and I might want to come down to see him. His voice didn't sound urgent, just... cryptic. I don't know. It made me mildly alarmed; by the tone of Pratt's voice I could tell nothing serious had happened, but I thought maybe Archie had gotten in a minor car accident or something. I knew he had planned on going to see his biological son Max's soccer game that afternoon. So I told the others in the lab that I had something personal to take care of, and I'd be back.

And what did I find when I came downstairs? Archie with a busted lip and a rapidly darkening eye, being questioned by a cop in one of the exam rooms, and Max with his parents out in the main room, one of them with her arm in a sling. I didn't think it was possible for my stomach to plummet through the floor that fast. My first thought was oh God, what did he do know?

Turns out, Archie had been a bit more involved in the game than I'd thought he would be. I know he likes to keep in touch with his biological kids through e-mail. We've both been to one of Max's games before, though all we did was sit in the stands and watch. I also went to videotape one of Michael's Dance Dance Revolution tournaments, and though he knew I would be there, I didn't talk to him. I figured Archie had been taking the same approach on his own, but boy was I ever wrong. And I probably should have known better. Apparently he'd been rather blatantly cheering Max on, complete with fatherly pat on the rear, and Max's parents had (rightfully, from their point of view) called pedophile. Plus some fellow parent had tried to start a fight with him and ended up tripping and knocking himself out.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and die of embarassment.

Fortunately for everyone involved, Max spoke up and told his parents that Archie wasn't a child molestor, but rather his biological father. After a lot of surprise and questions, they changed their minds about pressing charges. I'd been observing more or less from the sidelines at the admit desk, hoping for the floor to swallow me whole, but Archie took the opportunity then to gesture me forward and introduce me as his wife (he'd seen me when he and the cop had left the exam room). Max's mothers were very polite and invited us both to dinner so they could get to know us; Archie accepted quite happily but I declined. I didn't think I had much of a place there.

I got Archie to come back in the exam room with me after that because I said we needed to talk, though "talk" ended up being something of an understatement. I just exploded at him--I couldn't believe he'd been stupid enough to pull a stunt like that, why didn't he think, how would it have looked to him if he'd been in Max's parents' place, why hadn't he gone clean with the parents of all his kids from the beginning like he'd said he would and I'd thought he had? It was like yelling at a chagrined little kid. He's how many years older than me, and I'm always the mature head of reason. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

He apologized, and promised me he'd contact Michael, Melia, and Hana's parents first thing. He did in fact do that later that night, because I sat and watched him type out the e-mails after he got home from his dinner with Max and Max's parents. Our phone was busy this past weekend. So now everything is aboveboard with the kids, the way it should have been months ago.

I do love Archie--I wouldn't have married him if I didn't--but sometimes I swear I feel more like a babysitter than a wife. Why can't he use his brain when it comes to other people?

( $245 )

Archie says we need to work on making me more expensive.

Somewhere, in my heart of hearts, I'm surprised it took as long as it did, but--well. I finally let it out to Archie what I think about his 'kids'.

I didn't mean to... we were visting Brittany and talking about her new baby boy (who is incredibly cute and very good-tempered), and Archie started waxing rhapsodic about how "awesome parenthood is", and the words just came flying out of my mouth. I know they're biologically his, but they're not his. I know he knows that, and I'm glad he took the news so well and cottoned to the idea so quickly, but I can't help but be hurt over it because they appeared so soon after my miscarriage. Even though we both agreed that it was probably a good thing, since we were in no way ready for a baby.

I guess it just hurt because I felt like I'd failed, somehow. Like, my pregnancy didn't work out so Archie feels like he has to play father to kids that aren't really his. If I hadn't miscarried, would he have reacted to those kids the same way? I know he loves kids and wants to have his own someday. He might even be ready for it now. But me? I don't know. I'd be a high-risk pregnancy, and I don't know if I could handle losing another baby. I don't know if he could. I don't want that strain hanging over us.

I told him I'd think about it, and I am. A lot, and very hard. I just... I wish I had someone I could talk about this to who would really understand.